Painting by Dali

It’s been almost a month since we moved here. I haven’t been on much because, well, we’re still settling in. It has been a rainy, chilly day here today and it has made me rather introspective.

Over a year ago my husband and I started trying to make a baby. We didn’t just toss birth control out the window– it was a big deal! He brought me flowers and the sweetest card. I started saving baby things I liked in private wish-list on Amazon.com. I also bought a special gift to give my husband when we found out we were pregnant. The flowers faded quickly, as flowers do. I still have the sweet card, but it is packed away in a box of keep-sakes where it can’t make me sad, right now. I still have that Amazon wish-list, but I stopped adding things to it a long time ago. And that special gift* is tucked into the back corner of my bedside table, wrapped in plastic to keep the dust at bay.

Today my older sister, who is also one of my best friends, called. She is considering becoming a foster parent– possibly even fostering to adopt. We had a long conversation about it, and I am really excited for her and this opportunity. She is unmarried and in her 30s, and I think she would make a great mom to some special little boy or girl. But it got me thinking. Here she is at the start of this journey, doing research, going to informational meetings, and looking at this thing from every angle. As a planner, I love that stuff. That stuff is what gets me through the waiting. I am not good at waiting.

That is the worst thing about all of this, I think. It’s a helluva lot of waiting. Chart temperature, wait. Take OPK, wait. Have sex, wait. Ovulate, wait some more. Negative test, wait. Period starts, cry, keep on waiting. Wait for insurance, wait for appointments, wait for information, wait for money, wait for…. everything.

How do you get through all the waiting?

* I did not give him this gift when we conceived earlier in the year. The lines were faint enough to make me nervous, and then of course instead of getting darker they faded away. If/when we see a heartbeat on an ultrasound someday… that’s the day I’ll give it to him.

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