Disclaimer: This deals with my fears of losing this baby. Pregnancy and miscarriage are mentioned, and talked about in some detail. Please do not read if this will be difficult for you to read or if it will only add to your own anxiety.

broken heart

Once upon a time I married my husband. Once upon a time I time I thought that when we started trying for a baby we would conceive quickly and easily. But it wasn’t like that for us. Once upon a time I thought once we got pregnant we would stay pregnant. But we lost our first pregnancy before it even really began.

When we got pregnant again, I was sure I would feel better about it once we saw that flickering heartbeat. And I did, for a few days. And then I began to get anxious again. Statistics tell me that chances are good that we will hold this baby in our arms someday. The risk of having a missed miscarriage, for example, is approximately 1%. Tiny! Minuscule! But the fact is, there is still a chance. And it seems that every days I am reading another heartbreaking story about that 1%.In 5 days we have our NT scan. We will hopefully see our little one swimming and growing safely, deep inside me. We will hopefully hear the heartbeat. And I think I will feel a little better once we have seen her again and know for certain that she is safe.

Still, there will always be stories out there. Women who watch their babies grow and then fade away. Hearts that stop beating, and babies that stop growing. There will always be another milestone to reach and hopefully be reassured by. But until this baby is safely in my arms– until I can look into her eyes and she into mine– I’m never going to be fully reassured.